Few days ago,  I got an unexpected call.

''Halo''

-Helllooo, Amazing ho?

Ho, tara sorry hai maile ta chinina ni

-Abuuuuuuuuuuuui, timro swar ta kasto bhayako, maile ta chinnai nasakya, kaha chhau timi, ma Anita kya, Anitai. Birseu?

Anita?????? Anita Bhandari? Oh My God, timi ho? where r u? ani kaha bata aja samjhera fone garya? malai ta Bishwasai lagena, ani kaha bata payou ta mero no?

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I was pleasantly surprised to get her call. Well, she was Anita Bhandari (22-23 I guess), my childhood friend. After talking to her for an hour I came to know that now she is married and is in Boston with husband. Its been total 6 years we have not met each other. Samparka pani huna sakena, yestai yestai bhayo.

Well, we were good friends in school though not the best. Tyahi pani Purano sathilai bhetda ekdum khushi lagdo rahechha. I was sooooooooooo happy to talk to her aba ke bhanne Purano dinka kuraharu garda sarhai ramailo lagdo rahechha. tyaspachhi 2-4 din ta schoolkai kura gardaima time bityo.

asti ho kyare, I met her online and I asked abt her life in detail, just as it Kasto chha, k chha, budale k garchhan adi ityadi. I thought it was a private question tara sathi nai ta ho bhanera sodhihale and later I sensed that it was not a right thing to ask

Ani masti hola ni hoina? I started conversation after formal ''Hi'' Hello

-K ko masti ni? baru timrai hola ni masti, aja euti bholi arki?

Heheh hoina k, timro life bhanya ni, Amrika ko life, recently married

-An tyastai ho ali ali

Moj chha hoina? timile pani kam garchhau?

-No,

Kina ni?

-Khai ke bhanne

Licence nikali sakya ho?

-??

La kina bujhpachayko? kids bhai sakyo bhanya ni

-hahah timi ta ajhai pani ustai rahechhau, khali nachahine kura matrai garne

Nani dekhi lageko bani LOL, bhana na katiwata chhan barsauta?

-Hyaa k kura garya, bihe bhayako balla 1 barsha bhayo, ani timro k hudai chha?

Mero? Karna das ko git sunya chhaina? Purano Dunga...heheh ustai ho

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I had to go somewhere so I said good bye and promised to talk to her later but she said ''Ek chhin guff garau na please''

''la thik chha tyaso bhaye, ani Jeevan Sathi khoi ta?'' I typed in my own style

-Kam ma, and perhpas he wil be back after 5 hours.

Buda nabhayako maukama guff hanya ho ki kya ho LOL

-Sathi sanga guff gara buda bhaye pani ke nabhaye pani k.

Wa wa mane maile timilai, Nepali sahitya padhay ho timile?

-Hyaa timi pani sadhai yestai, k timile bihe garepachi budi ko agadi kunai sathi sanga guff nagarne bichar chha jasto chha ni?

La timi sachchikai risayako ho?

-Hoina hoina....just kidding ni..Bajya moro bhanne belama ma je payo tyahi bhanchha.

----------That was her style to say Bajya Moro..whenever she likes someone very much.

Why don't both of them  go to marriage counseling?  It seems that she doesn't like the way he is and he doesn't  even consider her feelings, it seems that she has a desire to study, and he doesn't  even consider her to do what she desires.  Things can be said politely. It looks like he is control freak. 
As far as her husband's habit, i don't think all husband and wife have same choices, its all about compromise. I think it is best for both of them to sit down and talk. When things don't change, go to marriage counseling.

I agree with DalliResham. Marriage is a compromise between two different beings. How tohandle relationships and run a good family equally depends on both. You should not accept loss so easily; try, try, and try to adjust to things around you if you can'tchange it. From what you're saying, you dislike your husband because of his looks, personality,thinking etc, etc and not because he is behaving wrong with you or treating you bad.I do not think that it is an excuse to leave spouse just because you do not like hisappearance or ideas or personality. Either you should try to change it your way or adjust to it. Morally, it is just wrong to divorce him citing his improper looks, ideas, thoughts.But Legally, you can. You are an adult. You have your own preferances and own vales and proirities in life, which may and do differ from others. If you give morepreference to the moral and religious values you wound not do leave him because you are just looking for at your happiness and that also for your cause; if you putyourself at the top and care about your happiness more than anything, you might dothat. But remember, what goes around comes around. Good Luck!prefer to be

.

Good to see nice suggestions pouring out from peeps. Amazing, If you conveyed these to her and made her will go strong to continue the relationship and make the most out of it, you'd justify your posting private matters here in Sajha,

Dear Anita,

I feel sad that you are having such type of problem in your married life. I heard that one of my far relative  from Bhairahawa also got married with a guy, who lives in USA and is about 11 years older than her. I wish that you are not that one.

As the many people here suggest you to talk about the problem with your partner rather than just hiding on your own I also suggest you same way. The things that you are giving importance might not be really imprtant for your real married life. You know, as the time passeses the priorities will also change. What we are thinking very important now, later might turn to be really not important. I hope if the guy is normal human being there will be a compromise and your life will be better. And never forget to analyze your own weakness too. Good luck! never give up there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

best wishes

Thats what we all love sajha. Thanks a lot dear friends for your valuable suggestions. I have never thought there will be so many great suggestions. I have told Anita about sajha and perhpas she has gone through all the suggestions.Will talk to her and let you know all of you.

Thanks for being so concerned and helping in difficult time.

Once again thanking you all...

Just to let you know guys, she is going through all of your suggestions. So if u have anything to share/give suggestions u can directly write in this thread.

Thanks Once Again

 

This thread reminds me a real event. A fren of mine was in love with a gal. The gal was about 4 years older than him. Though he was in deep love, sometimes he was worried about the age difference.

As a friend, I tried to convince him. "Its just a matter of 2 years not 4 years as such- add 2 years in your age and subtract 2 from hers, it becomes equal." And it worked too, lolz. Though the calculation looks weird, it gives u a way to compromise. 

Dear friends, I have a similar story.  a friend of mine is  living here for 5 years and supposed to get married with a girl in a different state( arranged). After he got engaged with the he met this wonderful girl and they dated for 4 months.of course , he realizes that he shouldn't have but he says he was friends with that girl before he got engaged and the relationship slowly turned intemate( no sexual).

          now it is time to marry the girl he is engaged with. in 2 months he can't dump her, because everything has been finanlised , cards have been distributed and news have been disclosed about the marraige. and he can't seem to forget this new girl he met. She is just amazing and exactly the one he says he want. She is so understanding and so compromising that she has moved to a different state to kill this love between them. It is just very hard for him. he is supposed to get married soon but he's in love with a different girl. The guy is very honest but it's not easy being honest in this situation becuase it tears so many people's heart. We live away from Nepal and think that we own our decision, but when it strikes us it does so bad that we can't escape; yes the family and expectations. I am th eonly person the guy trusts and he has told me that i can disclose this info in sajha. I don't know what to suggest.

 i can't tell the guy to marry the girl he's not in love with or marry the girl he's in love with. both ways it's gonna tear lots of hearts. what do you guys think?

 

 

F0ck these guys , most of the nepali girls will say that .

I think he should go and marry with the one he love, it will make the other party cry for sometime but if he marrys with the one with no love it will make the girl to cry forever.It is really hard to forget something somebody want desperately and didn't get get it.Why punish innocent girl.He should go and talk to the girl directly.Maybe she will also suggest her to marry the one he loves.

typo+ suggest him to marry the one he love.

I appreciate all of your view of  points for marriage.

I guess, people from Nepal doesn't care about anything before marriage if they found someone from USA or Rich continent.

This is what thier problem.

 

The bottom line is not to get married with someone who has spent painful years studying and supporting himself and now has has a decent job in the US, and is 10 years older than you; marry with someone your age ( 23 , who goes to school full time and works illegally in a dhoti store, 7/11, or restaurant) you can see him couple of hours a week.

or........

get married with a 23-25 year old lafanga in Nepal who spends his whole day spending his father's corrupted money in dance bars..........

 

 

Laatobuddhi,
I donot agree with your views. Everyone who has spent painful years studying and supporting himself and now has has a decent job in the US might not necessarily be  a good person. Studying, hardworking, decent job that is first half of personality  which u could write in your CV. On the contrary, there come other chapter the way you deal with people, handle the things, tackle problems, socializing, respecting other's values, attitude towards life. I think in practical life that is more important.

Other point, getting older is not only the sign of getting matured. And in my view, 10 years gap is OK but obviously it could be better.

Working with Indians (U have shown your maturity here) in GS or in restaurants donot make you low graded until n unless u r focused on yr goal.

Its not that if u cannot marry a GC holder, they have to be deprived of Guys in Nepal. Oh no.....and 22-25 guys ar not all LAFANGA in Nepal...

P.S.-- My views are completely personal and im not associating this opinions with my friend Anita's issue. These are just causal points.
Everyone is free to disagree

Hey Amazing bro,

You do not have to agree to whatever I say; this is my point a view and a lot of people geting married with guys in the US go through the same situation.

Why do these girls not look on the positive sides; how their lives are easier than others because their husbands are settled already; and how about sharing her opinions with her husband or her parents. In our society, even our parents had a lot of age difference but they managed to raise a decent family.

As other people have mentioned, it is all about compromise. Is is a shame that your educated friend shares her emotions with people who are not aware of the real situation; I bet the husband does not even know what is going on on her mind. 

Why doesn't she make friends with other Nepalese girls just like her and see how they are coping with their own married life.

 

( as you said .."and 22-25 guys ar not all LAFANGA in Nepal... " you are partially right. with enemployment rate >40% it is  also likely that guys in this age group are lafangas - "

 

Well if she doesn't like this guy, why doesn't she just divorce him and she can get 50% of his assets; and this guy will have lots of girls wanting to marry him, here in the US or back home.

 

Your friend is a coward; either leave the guy or compromise that is the bottom line.

 

 

 

KALOPANI,

I think your friend should marry the girl he really loves. He should have, in the first place, NOT even started the new relationship with a new girl when he already was engaged. But now that he has gone so far, I think-although I might be wrong-that he should get married with the girl he really loves. This might create tensions and bring tears to the engaged girl and also bring him a bad name, but in the long run, this will make everyone happy. Also, "Honesty is the best policy". Furthermore, the engaged girl would not want to get married with someone who loves a different person.

Good Luck to all three.

Hey Lato bro,
Yep I respect your ideas and I appreciate your way of defending yourself. Quite often I dont feel right to get argument here in sajha as u never know what type of replies u get. (always blaming others and mostly three words phrase WTF)

In a way you are right, its easier to deal with older guys as they have already experienced and gone through tough times.

Well, about Anita, I really really doubt she is looking for husband's property. She is just a innocent girl, she is in difficult situation and perhaps by now she has already talked to husband. I have also requested if I could talk to him and know situation in detail.

With the wishes of all friends here in sajha Im trying hard to solve their problems, will definitely update later, at the moment its too early to predict anything, all we can do is wishing them all the best.

Well Happy new year bro, and I read in other thread u have some problem regarding GC, wishing u a good luck on the eve of New year

He should follow his heart...

If he marries the girl he does not love, then it is unfair to her too. So, that means three lives destroyed. (I am assuming the other girl loves him as much as he loves her)

Its easier said than done though. So, good luck.

 

thanks guys for suggestion. the irony is the girl who's supposed to get married doesn't even like him. she has stated that she's only marrying because of the family pressure.

i think this totally changes the whole scenerio ... even i have suggested to be firm and make a decison... now

Kalopani,

If the girl who's engaged does not even like him, then there's no harm at all to get married with the girl he dearly loves. Infact, that's what he should do-marry the girl who loves him back amd mot the one who does not even like him despite being engaged. It is sad that even today people have to get married to someone whom they do not like following family pressure. I am not against arranged marriage but certainly against forceful/pressured marriage.

Your friend should follow his heart or he might regret his whole life. Good Luck to him!

PLS keep us posted how it goes.

HAPPY NEW YEAR '08 Kalopani.