hello sajha..pretty dead here right now aint it?hehe
anywys well dead at me place too..(kinda am idling now..)so yap me hands are itchy!!sue me ;oP hehe...here are some recyled jokes...readin them now..and well..just thot like sharing(HAHA im kiddin u..thats a lie i tell u!!i just wanna type!!sharing is just a reason i tell u!!! ;oP)...anywys have a good day..and pls dun remind me they are read before cos i too dunno how many times i have already read them by now hehee....
*end of babbles..jokes starts from here..*
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Three lads are enjoying a quiet night in a pub, when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer.
Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts:
?I?ve shagged your mum!?
The lads ignored him and returned to their pints.
He shouts again: ?Up the arse!?
Although irritated, they ignore him again.
The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: ?Your Mum?s sucked my cock!?
The boy looks up wearily. ?You?re drunk, Dad. Go home.?
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The alligator dash
A very rich man who owns a huge house has a drop-dead gorgeous daughter. He's also interested in alligators and has a sumptuous swimming pool filled with different exotic specimens of the species.
One day he decides to throw a party and invites hundreds of people. After everyone has had a few drinks, he announces that anyone who can jump into the pool and make it to the other side alive can have either ?1 million or his daughter. No one is willing to try this, until suddenly there's a splash, and he turns to see a bloke in the pool, swimming as fast as he can to the other side.
Everyone cheers him on, as the alligators try to tear him apart. Amazingly, he makes it to the other side, somewhat ruffled, but completely unharmed.
The rich man says, ?I say, that was amazing! So what's it to be: the million or my daughter's hand??
The hero replies, ?Look mate I don't want your money or your daughter. I just want the bast**d who pushed me in!?
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Back to Priest School
Father Patrick was talking to his replacement in a small village church.
?Father Michael,? he says, ?you?ll be looking after my flock from now on.?
?But where do I start?? the young priest replies.
?You?ve been hearing confessions for over 50 years, I?ll be lost.?
?Don?t worry,? says Father Patrick, ?I?ve written a list of sins and absolutions on the wall in the confessional box. Look up the sin and it will tell you next to it what to say. After a while you?ll get to know the congregation and you?ll be okay.?
One week later, Father Michael is sitting in the confessional box looking at his mentor?s list when his first visitor arrives.
?Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,? says a female voice. ?I had to give my husband a gobble last night.?
The priest searches the wall but can?t find the correct reply anywhere. In desperation he pulls open the curtain of the box and stops a choirboy.
?Oi! What did the old priest give for a gobble??
?A Kit-Kat,? the lad replies.
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Sex education
Young Judith runs out to the backyard, where her father is chopping wood. She looks up at the hard-working parent, smiles, and asks:
?Daddy, what is ?sex???
Laying down his axe, the old-timer sits beside his daughter and starts to explain about the birds and the bees. Then he tells her about conception, sperm and eggs.
Next he thinks, ?What the hell ? I might as well explain the whole works,? and goes into great detail about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet dreams. Judith?s eyes bulge as her old man continues his lesson, moving on to masturbation, oral, anal and group sex, pornography, bestiality, dildos and homosexuality.
Realizing he has probably gone too far, the father pauses and asks, ?So, Judith, why do you want to know about sex??
?Well,? says the fresh-faced youngster.
?Mummy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in a couple of secs.?
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Fleas take a break
Two fleas are planning a holiday at the other end of the house. One flea turns to the other and says: ?Should we hop or take the cat??
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The Ordeal of Fruit
Two men shipwrecked on an island are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them the only way to avoid becoming dinner is to undergo the ?Ordeal of Fruit?. The men accept at once, and the chief sends them into the jungle to collect 100 pieces of fruit and bring them back to him.
The first man comes back with 100 grapes. The chief says that if he can shove all the grapes up his arse without giggling then he will be free. But no sooner has the first grape reached his butt than the man bursts out laughing.
?What?s so funny?? the chief asks. ?Don?t you realize we?re going to kill you now??
?I?m sorry,? the sailor replies. ?It?s just that my friend is collecting pineapples.
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Too-late tailor
Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he?s found the cause of his problem.
?Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine,? says the medic.
?The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache.?
Joe is appalled. ?Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?? he asks.
?I?m afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles,? says the doctor.
Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex ? but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared.
To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor?s, he asks to see a pair of trousers.
The tailor looks at Joe and says, ?You?ll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg.? Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor?s eye, and asks for a shirt.
?That?ll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck,? the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy.
Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. ?36?? guesses the tailor incorrectly.
?No, sorry, I?m a 34,? Joe says. ?I?ve worn a 34 since I was 18.?
?This is not possible,? frowns the tailor. ?If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches
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He?s been stung before
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.
?What's that?? he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said ?Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.?
?Tarzan, you have it all wrong,? she says horrified, ?but I will show you how to do it properly.?
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
?Here,? she said, ?You must put it in here.?
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, ?What the hell did you do that for??
?Just checking for bees,? said Tarzan.
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Odds against
After her business goes bust, a blonde woman named Sharon finds herself in dire financial trouble ? so desperate, in fact, that she resorts to praying.
?God, please help me,? she wails.
?I've lost my business, and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my car as well. Please let me win the lottery.?
Saturday night comes, and Sharon watches aghast as someone else wins it.
Again, she begins to pray: ?God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my car, and I'm going to lose my house as well.?
Next Saturday night comes, and Sharon still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. ?God, why haven't you helped me?? she cries, angrily. ?I've lost my business, my house, my car and now my children are starving. I?ve always been a good servant to you ? PLEASE let me win the lottery just this once, so I can get my life back in order.?
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open above, and Sharon is confronted with the glowing, ethereal vision of God Himself.
?Sharon,? he booms. ?Meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.?
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Bringing them round
Two young guys are picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appear in court before the judge.
The judge tells them, ?You seem like nice young men, and I?d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I?ll see you back in court on Monday.?
When the two guys return to court, the judge asks the first one, ?So, how did you do over the weekend??
?Well, your Honour, I managed to persuade 17 people to give up drugs forever.?
?Seventeen people? That?s wonderful. What did you tell them??
?I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this ? O o ? and explained to them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and that the small circle is your brain after drugs.?
?That?s admirable,? said the judge, turning to the second guy. ?And you, how did you do??
?Well, Your Honour, I managed to persuade 156 people to give up drugs forever.?
?156 people! That?s amazing! How did you manage to do that!?
?Well, I used the same diagram, only I pointed to the small circle first and said this is your arsehole before prison ...?
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Calm down! Calm down!
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke ? 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, the queer finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ?Do you want a blow job?? he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ?I've never seen you react like that,? he says. ?Just what did he say to you??
?I'm not sure,? the big Scouser replies. ?Something about a job.?
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How the press works
Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a nearby fence, forces it into the dog?s collar and twists it, breaking the dog?s neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, ?Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal.?
The boy interrupts: ?But I'm not a City fan.?
The reporter starts again: ?Manchester United fan rescues friend from horrific attack.?
The boy interrupts again: ?I'm not a United fan either.?
?Who do you support, then??
?Liverpool,? replies the boy.
So the reporter starts again: ?Scouse bast**d kills family pet.?
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pretty lame ones i guess..hehee..dun mind me ;o)....and nope didnt copy and paste everything i read..so ;o)...dun say its too much ;oP hehee..
and more at
www.fhm.comdyam i had forgotten about that site hehee..should try to catch up with it..when im more free...
good day..
danny
