A blonde walks into a library, walks up to the front desk and says to the librarian:

"I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a large coke, please."

The librarian is stunned and stares blankly back at the blonde, but the blonde thinks that the elderly librarian must be hard of hearing and repeats her request in a loud voice:

"I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER, FRIES AND A LARGE COKE!"

"Miss, I'm sorry but this is a library" informs the librarian.

"Oh, I'm sorry." whispers the blonde, and continues in a very soft voice:

"I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a large coke."
___________

Honey... Pumpkin... Sweetie...


A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar
software he had ordered.
They reach Ramgad and started shouting: "Abe O thakur! Kahan hai wo
loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya ".
Thakur [with anger]: "Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur
Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya
hai."
Kaalia: "Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire
kiye hain kya?"
Thakur: "Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal
raha hai."
Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water
tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop.
Kaalia Starts Laughing and says: "Ha ha... thakur ne freshers ko liya
hai, Ye log Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate."
Veeru shouts: "Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, Kuch
bhi kar sakte hain."
Jay hits his keyboard,then says: "jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska
server down ho gaya ."
AT GABBAR'S DEN...
Gabbar: "Kitne bugs the?"
Kaalia: "Do sarkaar."
Gabbar: "Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya soch key
aaye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? Naya assignment dega ...aur increment
bhi?
Iski saza milegi. barobar milegi."
[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa]. "Kitne sessions hain is machine
mein?"
Sambaa: "Chhey sarkaar."
Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai ."
[logout - logout - logout]. "Haan ab theek hai... ab tera kya hoga"
Kaalia?"
Kaalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha."
Gabbar: "To ab documentation kar!

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything i need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ i would love to hear from you.

Love
Your $on
-----------
-----------
The Reply
-----------
-----------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that pursuit of kNOwlegde is NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love
Yours Dad

This one is more useful in real life:

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.


Love
Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

Type Of Girls

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to a! ccess.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. (Seewaani, u belong to this grp)

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to
uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall
her you will lose everything........

My friend, the best quality
that I like about u is that,
U R very sentimental ....
10% Senti and 90% Mental..!


---------------------------------------------------


Earth may stop Rotating,
Birds may stop Flying,
Candles may stop Melting,
Fishes may stop Swimming,
Heart may stop Beating,
But your Brain will

never start working!


-----------------------------------------------



Why did God Create

'you' before Me....?

Ans: B'cause he wanted
to Create a 'SAMPLE',


Be 4 Creating A
*Master-Piece*

--------------------------------


Days are 2 Busy,
Hours are 2Fast,
Seconds are 2 Few
But there's always

TIME for ME
2 disturb YOU


------------------------------------


Hello I am a virus and
I am entering your brain
right now.....
sorry I have to leave,
I can't find a brain.


------------------------------------


Sign post outside our collage-
"DRIVE CAREFULLY! DONT kill the STUDENTS,
Wait for the LECTURERS!".

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is
his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him,

"This is your suspect,how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of
his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The
suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in
his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"

scroll down for the answer









------------------









---------------------









"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

A Nepali guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Indian guy is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: That Indian guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.
The Indian guy is thinking: "Damn it, that Nepali guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Indian guy must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Nepali guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian guy again."

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals, when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."
The men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies, "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

Arjun is disillusioned & Krishna is trying to clear that disillusionment...

Krishna : Try to respect the e-mails of your elders,

Arjun : But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honorable elders and
brothers who are logged on to honorable domain?

Krishna : Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes.
They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Log on and send dozens
of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjun : Hey Murari ! After seeing all this I feel like resigning from the
Software Industry.

Krishna : Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious circle of maaya. In
this material world you have none and you are committed to none. Junk mails
have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after you
are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep firing junk
mails.

Arjun : But Devki Nandan...........!

Krishna : ......Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering
about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by
your Guru Dronacharya.

Arjun : Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the systei aur meri premika ek saath aa rahi hain..
Dusra: Oye main bhi yahi bolne wala tha....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardar at an art gallery "I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call a modern Art?"
Art Dealer "I beg your pardon sir. Thats a mirror!"

A Sardar enters shop & shouts, "Where's my free gift with this oil?"
Shopkeeper: "ISke Saath koi gift nahin hai bhaisaab"
Sard : "Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE

Sardar on cycle hit lady accidently.
The lady said, " break nahi mar sakta tha kya?"
Sardarji replied "break ka kya hai, poori cycle toh mar di....."

Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalte the, woh kya soch rahe honge.... think.............
SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI HAI"

Sardar:Aap kitna padhei ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamaal karte ho yaar sirf doh word padhei aur woh bhi ultei

Pyaarey puttar,
Vahe Guru!
Beta (son), I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read
fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles away. I won't be able to send the new address as the last Sardar who lived
here took the house numbers with him for his new house so that he wouldn't
have to change his address. This place is really nice. It even has a
washing machine, situated right above the commode. I' m not sure it works
too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen
them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week.
The first time it rained for 3 days and the second time for 4 days. The
coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said that it would be a little
too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so I cut them off
and put them in the pocket instead. Your father has another job. He has 500
men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way I took
my bahu (your wife, Dhanno) to our club's pool for swimming. The manager is
very badmaash. He told her that a two-piece swimming suit was not allowed
in the club. She did not swim that day. She was confused as to which piece
should she remove?! Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found
out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt
or an Uncle. Your uncle, Satinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him
and he burned for three days Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He
died in the process of digging a grave for his father; trying to fulfill
his Admiral father's last wishes to be buried at sea. There isn't much more
news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love,
Your mom
P.S.: I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed!


THE SARDAR'S REPLY TO HIS MOTHER:

Pyaarey maataji,
Vahe guru!
I am very sorry that I am so late in replying to your letter. You were
right! It took me fifteen days to read your letter. The last few lines are
yet to be read, so I don't know, whether it was your letter or someone
else's letter. I am very slow in writing, and do not know how to write a
letter properly, so I had earlier copied a letter written by a friend to
his mother and sent it to you. But I copied the address also. Please do not
mind that. I hope you did receive that letter. You must have been confused
after getting that letter as to who really wrote that to you, since I
copied the sender's name and address also. So, I am trying to write again
to you. This time if I write my name wrong, please be assured that this
letter is in fact from me. I started writing this letter five days ago.
That was on a Monday. I'll try to finish it on the coming Monday so that
you'll think that I have written it on the same day. That will definitely
surprise you. I am taking the health tonic you sent regularly. I always
forget to shake the bottle before taking the medicine, so I have to jump up
and down at least fifty times after taking the medicine. I hope fifty times
is good enough?! We have mosquito problem over here. We are asked to use
mosquito nets by the city. I am also using one, but even then I am attacked
by mosquitoes all night. So I have decided to allow all the mosquitoes to
come inside the net, then I can sleep peacefully outside. That may take few
more months. So, I have to bear with this problem only for a few more
months. I remember your advice to brush my teeth regularly. To save time, I
brush seven times on a Sunday so that I do not have to brush on weekdays.
If this letter does not reach you, please let me know immediately, and I'll
write another letter. If you do not receive my next letter also, please
inform me. I'll then not mail any more letters, and personally come home to
deliver the letters to you. I am so sorry that you could not send me some
money, since the envelope had been already sealed! I am sending the opened
envelope, along with this letter. Please put in the money this time. I am
in need of money. Some friends walk down from the city to the college
campus to save money. Joginder, comes running after a bus to save Rs.3, the
bus fare to the campus, but I run after a taxi to save Rs.25, the taxi fare
to the campus. After saving Rs.25, I can afford to go and eat at a proper
sit-down restaurant, whereas my friend, Joginder usually can only afford to
eat a Vada Pau for Rs.3.
(Another Monday had come and gone.) Today is another Monday and I am able
to finish writing this letter on the same day. Not much else to write. So
many things are happening here that I have no time to write. I think of you
very often and about all the good memories from back home! In loving
memory, Your son P.S.: I am re-sending the coat you sent me via post by
cutting all the buttons and putting them in the pocket to reduce the
weight. Please fix the buttons for me. To reduce the weight of the coat, I
have removed the hands and some portion from the back. You should have done
that instead of removing the buttons. You know, I don't know how to affix
buttons.


take care..w/luv jenashmad

There was this overweight man who desperately searched for the perfect diet. He searched and one day, found a real tempting ad in the news-paper. It simply stated that the company guaranteed desired weight loss or $1,000.00 back. So he decided to give it a try.
The first day, the weight loss center stuck him in a room with two beautiful blondes’ buttock naked. They were displaying a sign that read, "Catch me and I am yours for whatever". Well, he tried and after much running, he had lost 20 pounds.
Next time, he was placed in the same room, with 3 lovely gals - 2 blondes and a gorgeous red-head. Same thing, they all had signs on stating if they were caught, he could do whatever. Again, he tried but didn't catch them. But, he did lose another 15 pounds. Next week, he was placed in another room with a beautiful spanish gal and she had a sign on that stated- Catch me and I will do you forever. Well, he tried but failed. He lost 10 pounds in the process. Well again, he left empty handed.
The final and 4th week, he only had to lose five more pounds to meet his goal. He had nothing to lose. So, they stuck him in a room and locked the door. Low and behold, there was a 600 pound ugly fat-lady with a sign on her that read, "IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE!"

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit in Animal Jokes


Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, I wish that Mr. Bear was gay! and rode off as fast as he could.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, and apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised. There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!