I've got some funny stuff, hope you all will enjoy it.


A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said the boy. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”

“So his friend said whats the hurry? You still got 15 mins.”

A woman went to the police station and complained that she is being sexually harrassed by her colleague. The policeman asked “What does he do?”. The lady replied “Everyday morning he comes to me and says ‘your hair smells good today’!”. The policeman was confused “Ok madam… but how can you call this sexual harrassment?”. The woman said “He is 3 feet tall!”

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are Comin’ And I grinned.”

“Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling’, and I had to smile.

“Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.”

“BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’…I just lost it.”

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5, 3-5, 3-5…

A massive raid is being conducted in a city’s redlight area by police. Police has lined up all the prostitutes on the street for questioning. An old lady happens to cross that street and is curious to know what is going on.

Old Lady: “Are Bai Kya Ho raha hai ?” to a prostitute standing in the Queue.
Already harassed prostitute is in no mood to answer.
The Old lady asks again: “Are Bai Yeh line Kis liye ?”
The prostitute gets very irritated & replies back: “Lollypop mil raha hai”
The old lady then stands at the end of the Queue.
A cop sees this decent looking old lady standing in the line and asks her in surprise: “Maa Ji, Aap Bhi …?”
Old lady: “Haan Beta, Kabhi Kabhi choos leti hoon.”

Now some shorts jokes



Ladies hostel caught Fire. It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.

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Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.

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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!

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Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg evening meal what would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals !!!!

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Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!

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How do you teach a girl maths? Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn’t multiply!

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Lady : “I want a good vibrator” Salesman: “Ma’am ! you may select one from our range that is displayed on that wall”
Lady : “O.K. I’ll take that red one”
Salesman: “Sorry, that’s our fire-extinguisher”;

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A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child. The mother said: “I gave birth to him - he’s mine” The father said: “I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!”

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A girl says to her boyfriend, “One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.”
The guy says ‘thanks for the warning’

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A Husband Was Asked: “Do you talk to your wife after sex?” He replied:
“Depends, If I Can find a Phone”

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Definition of a Gynecologist: Someone who looks for problems where others look for pleasure!!!

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Man to wife on wedding night- “Are you sure I’m the first man you are sleeping with?’
“Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!’

i'll post more jokes soon.

Thanks,
HILARIOUS SCHITT MANN, MORE EXPECTED !!!

Keep up the good work!

haha nice nice

enjoy this

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on howmarital sex felt. The first girl sent a
card from Brazil two days after the wedding.The card said nothing but
"Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got
out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but
was pleased for her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from UK a week after the wedding,and the card
read: "Benson & Hedges".Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes,and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size.She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon to Malaysia Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a
card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "
Malaysia Airlines." Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Digger
Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally
found the ad for KQ. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week,
both ways."

Mom fainted...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

Jack always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated Jack storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Bessie looks up and says, “Jack, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Jack yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!”

To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Jack. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Two voices; male and female; seated on a plane

“I think everyone’s asleep; lets go”

Sound of steps.

“This one’s empty … no one’s looking … you go in first”

“It a bit cramped - let me sit down”

“Have you got the condom?

“Quick, put it on”

Sniff sniff

“Ah perfume - you think of everything”

“This is great…..” (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

“This is the captain speaking to those two people in the rear toilet.

We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, ‘My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!’

The second old fogy one-upped him. ‘My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!’

The third old man laughed and said, ‘That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.’

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?” Junior asks his dad, His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!”

“Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.”

“Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
You’ve Got Male’!”

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”

Next: Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…ok”

This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive.

George Bush goes to a school George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

“Bob”.

“And what is your question, Bob?”

“I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right — question time. Who has a question?”

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. “Steve”

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“I have 5 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, Where is “Bob”? !!

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, ‘What’s in the bags?’ ‘Sand,’ answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, ‘We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.’

Iqbal’s guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the sardarji’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, ‘What have you got?’
‘Sand,’ says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn’t show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a ‘Dhaba’ in Islamabad.

‘Hey, Buddy,’ says Iqbal, ‘I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about…I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?’

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, ‘Bikes’

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?” “Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”